Tag Archives: my story

A decade vegan

I have been vegan for ten years this year! I was 24. I get asked about it a lot, so here’s my story:

I never actually went vegetarian.

I grew up a real meat lover in a normal omnivorous household. My favourite foods were roast dinners, steaks, seafood, and meat stews. And pizza. But it had to have pepperoni on it really. If I was taken out for dinner, it was always my mission to order the meatiest thing on the menu that I was allowed; the biggest steak, a whole chicken, a mixed grill… When my younger sister went vegetarian when we were older children, I mocked and criticised her mercilessly! Surely it was unnatural, we evolved to eat meat, we need it to be healthy..?

So, what happened?!

I’ve always been passionate about nature, science and the environment, so studying environmental science at A-Level and then university made perfect sense (if you’ve not come across it, environmental science is the scientific study of all aspects of the natural world; the physics, chemistry, biology and sociology behind weather and wildlife, geology, oceans, soils, landscapes and more, and the way they interact…). I was 17 when my A-Level ‘Env’ class studied a module on agriculture and food production. For the first time, I had to really look closely at the way my food was produced. I knew meat was made of dead animals; I unemotionally thought this a fact of life and quite natural. It wasn’t a surprise to me to learn about how animals are grown for food and slaughtered. What did shock me was how unnatural we have made the farming system, and how much of an impact it has upon the rest of the natural world.

The kind of farms I thought of as a child, small land holdings run by a family, keeping small flocks and herds of a range of farmyard animals, are largely consigned to history.

Today, most of our food is industrially mass produced. Animals do not have names. Large companies run the farms purely for profit. Many animals, chickens in particular, never see sunlight or reach anything near adulthood before slaughter, and have been selectively bred away from their natural shape and size to produce more meat or milk than their bodies can physically support, crippling them in various ways before their early slaughter. Those that are kept outdoors are kept on huge scales, and unable to be supported by grazing the land they live on, require feeding with tonnes of mass-produced animal feed. This has to be grown of course. To do this, vast amounts of land many times the size of the livestock farms themselves are required; land is constantly being deforested to grow more and more animal feed, including in the rainforests, and to keep producing the quantities of animal feed needed requires constant inputs of industrial fertilisers and pesticides to be produced and sprayed over the land. Gallons of water are needed to irrigate the feed crops, as well as to rear the livestock themselves and produce the meat. Both the production of feed and livestock farming cause shocking amounts of pollution; water pollution from run-off contaminated with fertilisers, pesticides, slurry and bacteria, impacting aquatic life and human health; air pollution from spraying agrochemicals and from ammonia from industrial poultry units; greenhouse gases from the methane the livestock produce, fertiliser production and transport of feed. In addition, stocking animals at high densities of the same species leads to disease outbreaks. In many places, this is mitigated by routinely feeding antibiotics to livestock, but this is leading to the rise of antibiotic-resistant disease in both animals and humans.

The more I learnt (and there is more), the more I became convinced that industrial livestock production was not environmentally sound. I cared deeply about the world we live in, so because I could no longer eat meat without knowing how it was produced, I felt I needed to make sure that any meat I ate had been produced to good environmental standards.

So I did some research, and decided that certified organically farmed meat was  produced in much more sensitive ways, with much higher environmental and welfare standards than factory-farmed meat. So I decided to go ‘organic vegetarian’ – vegetarian, unless the meat was organic. Because organic farming has higher standards it costs more to produce, so is more expensive. So I therefore ended up eating less, but better quality, meat. I was not at all vegetarian, but I was eating many more vegetarian dishes, and eating vegetarian food or seafood when eating out. I got used to eating a wider variety of foods, and to the vibrant flavours in vegetarian cooking, though I still loved my meat.

I lived like this for a couple of years before it occurred to me (or I had to admit to myself!) that eggs and dairy were also factory farmed, so for consistency if I was going to cut out all my support for intensive livestock farming, I’d have to go organic there too.

And this is where things got tricky.

Milk and eggs are ingredients in a lot of foods. Reading labels to find out if they contained animal ingredients, and if so, how they had been produced, got boring and time consuming. And the social impact – having to ask, before anyone fed me, ‘Is it organic?’! Nope.

I was living this awkward ‘organic vegan’ lifestyle when I moved to my second university. And it was here I met several real-life vegans, including the man who became my boyfriend and then husband. They seemed to have it a lot easier than me! They didn’t spend hours in the shops scouring ingredients lists. They could shop and eat out in normal shops and restaurants. They didn’t have to ask socially awkward questions – a simple ‘I’m vegan’ sufficed to explain their diets. And they could eat chocolate!! I’d previously assumed being vegan was miserable and difficult, and probably unhealthy, but the reality I encountered was anything but!

So, I gave it a try. I was helped by the discovery that, to me at least, soya milk tasted far, far better than the cows’ milk I’d hated the taste of all my life! I missed and craved all sorts of animal-based things. But I made what turns out to have been a very wise decision to be extremely gracious with myself; if I had a craving (for cheese or pork for example), I would wait a short while to see if the craving went away (as it sometimes would). If it didn’t, I would allow myself to go and get some (if I could find it organic!), eat and enjoy it, and then, be vegan again the following day. I found over time the cravings got fewer and further between, and went away more quickly. I found I was having to give into them less and less, and eventually, after a couple of years, I found I just wasn’t feeling the need to buy animal-based foods. Today, whilst I do remember what animal-based foods were like and that I enjoyed them, it no more occurs to me to eat them as it would for me to eat cardboard. It doesn’t register to me as food.

The final straw was unexpected. I was on a train, passing through some beautiful countryside, where a few extremely sleek and contented looking cattle were happily grazing in a huge, open landscape. I thought to myself as I passed, ‘This is how farming should be…’, and was just beginning to feel pleased with myself when I heard God say to me, ‘So who are you to cut short those happy lives?’. Wow. I was hit with the compassion for animals that I’d never really experienced before. It was a perspective I’d not even thought of, that yes these animals were living happily on such farms, but that in demanding meat from them, I was taking that happy life away prematurely. So. No more meat.

Over that time I’d also learnt more and more recipes. I’d got a lot more creative and adventurous with my cooking (and started writing recipes!), finding ways to produce my favourite meals, desserts and snacks without animal ingredients. I actually put on a lot of weight (this was a positive, I’d been underweight for years), mostly I think from baking more than ever!

The last thing to go was the seafood; I’d been convinced for a long time that this was free from the concerns of factory farming, which was largely true for wild-caught fish at least. However, much of our seafood is also farmed, with similar associated problems, plus requiring huge amounts of wild-caught small fish for feed, to the detriment of seabird populations (as a bird lover this is the killer for me!). And wild caught seafoods have a myriad of associated environmental and ethical issues of their own. I realised, reluctantly, that this was also an ethical minefield I was best off out of. In my 24 years to that point I concluded I’d already eaten my fair share of the world’s fish stocks, so I decided to stop. That was a little sad; however, there is so much good food still out there for me it really hasn’t been a major loss. Including chocolate. 😉

Most foods are not made from animals at all, and are therefore on the menu. Almost everything that is can be replaced straightforwardly, especially if you have a good grasp of what flavours and ingredients suit the cuisine you are cooking. For a long time, the only things I couldn’t replace were cheese (for sandwiches and crackers – I could make cheesy sauces and substitute tahini for melted cheese in many recipes), meringues and seafood. Hardly a hardship, especially gotten used to over a period of many years as in my case.

When I went vegan a decade ago, veganism was about where vegetarianism had been in the 1970s – very much a minority lifestyle, seen as a bit unusual, not generally well understood, and you’d have to go to a vegetarian restaurant if you wanted a good meal out, though you could find something to eat in most places, especially if you looked them up beforehand and explained what you did and didn’t eat. There was great icecream and chocolate and yogurt and cream cheese available out there, in specialist shops mostly, but other ‘cheese’ substitutes resembled vanilla-and-Wotsit/Cheeto-flavoured plasticine!

Over the past decade, veganism has grown by over 350% in the UK, and the revolution has been really noticeable the past couple of years. Today veganism is about where vegetarianism was when my sister went veggie as a kid around 20 years ago; you could find something to eat almost anywhere, it was normal for a restaurant to have vegetarian options marked on the menu, sometimes including desserts, and there were a few lazy options like ready meals available if you searched, most people knew a vegetarian, and people generally knew what being vegetarian meant.

We’ve discovered that coconut cream whips like double cream, that the water from a can of chickpeas froths up just like egg white and makes a mean meringue (admit it, egg white is just as gross in its original form…), and even cheeze is becoming edible as some sort of cheese, even if it rarely resembles the particular variety of dairy cheese it claims to mimic. I now have a few brands I buy regularly, after almost a decade cheese-free! And oh how I am having to re-learn the art of self-control now that new vegan and vegan-friendly restaurants are opening up all over town, and café after bakery after tearoom, that I have to walk past every day, now serve irresistible vegan cakes..! Waistline expanding.

My favourite foods today are thai curries and stir fries, chocolate ganache pies, and pretty much anything involving roast aubergines! And pizza. Especially with veggie pepperoni. 😉

As now a relative old-school vegan I’m having to up my game with baking and cooking, and re-learn what I thought were my limits. But over the years I’ve also discovered more and more reasons I’m convinced that veganism is a step in the right direction; it’s no longer just about the environment, though that remains my passion; it’s about loving my global neighbours, about walking kindly alongside other species, about health, about my worship and that of the rest of creation, about understanding others with special diets, and about a love of food and creativity.

Let’s see where things head over the next ten years; I hope we can really begin to shape the world into something a little better.

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Resurrecting me

Like so many of Jon Foreman’s songs, Resurrect Me has played a huge part in my story.
I stayed up till 3:30am last night watching (amongst other things in the beautiful, honest, hope-filled evening that was TWLOHA’s Heavy and Light concert) Jon singing this song. In a whole evening dedicated to being real, opening up about when life hurts, and affirming that hope is real, it struck me again that this song was what first inspired me to seek help for my own pain about a year ago.
I’d been back and forth between ‘ok’ and ‘not ok’ for some time, and keeping an eye on myself, aware I needed to take my mental health seriously but not sure at what point to reach out.
And then one day last spring I found myself listening to this song. I’ve listened to it hundreds of times, but that day one line jumped out at me: ‘I tried to drown the pain with a friend of mine, it didn’t seem to help, ah she’s got a pretty face with her wedding lace but I’m still waking up with myself
Suddenly it was obvious; if I’m not ok now, without a job, what makes me think I will be ok when I get one? Isn’t the problem right here, in me? A line in a book I was reading that same week confirmed it: Wherever we go, ‘We take ourselves with us’. I had to find a way to be ok with that!
Here is the truth. I was ‘ok’, but I was carrying pain that previous jobs had not fixed. Neither had my marriage, my relocation or my home. Maybe it was ok for that ‘ok’ to not be enough, and to seek help.
I can testify that it was absolutely worth it! There is help and support out there, none of us are alone in our pain, and as TWLOHA will tell you, hope is real, help is real and recovery is possible. I’m now on that road; I hope that I am learning to ‘take myself with me’ now, to be able to keep my eyes on the honest reality of the state of my soul and listen to both my ‘light’ and my ‘heavy’.
I don’t know where you are at. But if you find yourself waiting for something to complete you, I’d love to encourage you to find help to discover that you can be whole already, without that thing yet in place. If you’re not ok with yourself now, you will not be ok when that job, relationship, family, move, marriage, money, or home arrives. That pain is there, in you. And that’s ok. And you can be helped to find yourself whole, now.
Resurrection is real.

You can watch the whole of Heavy and Light here, I recommend the whole thing, a really affirming and honest event.

Speaking our minds

I’ve been blessed with great mental health for over 15 years (bar a bit of stress), but recently I’ve found I’m not feeling quite 100 percent. I’m ok, in general, but I’m finding I need to give myself some TLC and make more of an effort to take care of myself. I’m aware I’m saying that I’m ill, and that I’m ok at the same time, but this is an attempt to tell it like it is, and that’s the honest truth at present.

‘Mental illness’ can sound very dramatic (and of course it can be the biggest thing we ever have to face), but it isn’t always. Saying I’m ill, but ok, isn’t in this instance a veiled cry for help; it’s an acknowledgment that I feel a bit ‘off’, and that sometimes mental health can be like that. I don’t want to over-dramatise where I’m at, as I know so many people who are facing real health battles. That isn’t me. I’m feeling pretty positive about myself and my life at the moment, in general; other than my lack of paid work, my life is wonderful, and I really like myself. But at the same time I’ve been struggling more and more with self-doubt these last few years. To an extent, that’s a normal thing to struggle with, and as I was musing here last year, can even be healthy. But it’s got to a point where it is causing me to feel sort of paralysed at times, like I can’t make myself do anything. If that happens frequently or persistently it is a symptom of ill health, and it has been happening to me more and more often. In addition, small things have been triggering big mood crashes, leaving me feeling like all the options before me are equally pointless, and again making it hard to stir myself to do anything as a result, until I or someone else manages to shake me out of it. Not healthy. So, it’s time to talk about it.

I believe in talking openly about mental health, as there’s still so much stigma and misunderstanding surrounding it that it helps us all when we’re open about it, whether we are feeling great, or terrible, or a bit under the weather. We need to talk to allow others permission to talk, to feel comfortable discussing things when they’re not feeling right, to know how to spot the signs when something’s up, and to be able to get appropriate help. Right now, that’s what I’m trying to do. I spend a lot of time encouraging and affirming others who are sharing their struggles, knowing how valuable it is that they are being open, and now it’s time I took my own advice.

Maybe the act of talking about it will help me too, to let others know to keep an eye on me, pray for me, and encourage me to seek help. It’s already focussing my mind more on putting into practise good wellbeing advice (see below), to take care of myself and help myself overcome unhealthy thought cycles. The good news is, I know that this stuff does actually work even though it sounds a bit naff when you write it out, and can (though obviously doesn’t always) effectively treat mental illness, lead to full recovery and stop it becoming serious. I hope and pray it works for me; having been through hell in the past and not wanting to go back there, I’m taking this seriously.

Just as with ‘physical’ illness, these things can affect any of us at any time. At least a quarter of us will be battling mental ill health at any one time. It doesn’t matter how ‘strong’ or otherwise we are; a person with a strong immune system could still get cancer, a strong person can still get depression. We rightly fear cancer, so we find out how to spot the signs, and know to go to a doctor if we find a lump or have suspect symptoms. Just as there are ways to treat a physical illness, so there are ways to treat mental illness; there are therapies and medicines available that work, and we should make use of them when we need them the same as we would if we were ill or injured in any other way. And we know how important it is to share our struggles with others and not try to go it alone when we’re physically ill. Likewise, we need to be open, and we need one another. Let’s treat mind cancers the same as body cancers; they are just as serious.

Finally, a bit about faith: Christians get sick sometimes. That’s a fact of life. It’s ok. It doesn’t mean God has abandoned us, or that we have abandoned God. It’s merely the result of living in a broken world, where things are not as yet as they should be. I have no answers to the ‘why’, nor does anyone else. Let’s just do our best to respond to ourselves and one another with love and grace, and reach out to the God who goes ahead of us just as He has always been behind us, and who walks with us even whilst we walk the darkest paths of life. I have to admit, I’m a little scared, but I’m hanging on to these truths. And I know that being ill now does not negate my previous healing; God is still good. God is with us, and we are loved.

I hope this encourages you to be open, and keep being open, about your own health, to get to know yourself and learn how to spot the signs of something being wrong, and to look after yourself. Be blessed :)


 

 

Stuff that helps*

  • Eating, drinking and sleeping healthily
  • Hanging out with friends
  • Keeping active and exercise
  • Keeping a good daily routine
  • Trying new things
  • Being outdoors – sunshine and nature
  • Speaking kindly to and of yourself
  • Taking care of yourself – caring for your appearance and doing things you enjoy for example
  • Counting your blessings
  • Being present in the ‘now’, being mindful of who, how and where you are and what is in your control now, rather than dwelling on the past or future
  • Finding creative ways to express yourself
  • Spending time focussing on Jesus

 

* (This stuff is good advice, but please be aware that when someone is really sick it just isn’t always possible to follow it – just as when you have a stomach bug, and know you need to drink plenty of fluids, but struggle to keep anything down, even water – so please don’t over-advise struggling friends, they may just need you to be there for them)

There’s plenty of help out there if you’re struggling yourself – speak to a doctor, and find online resources such as this.

10 Jon Foreman songs that shape my world

Last year I picked out a selection of Switchfoot songs that together map out how significant this band has been to me over the years in a whole range of ways.

But I tend to call myself a Jon Foreman fan, since my fandom extends beyond what he does with this one, amazing band, and into his solo work, his second band, his writing, art, and life example. He and his music fire my own creativity, give me the fight I need inside to keep pushing for a better world, have been one of the main influences on my faith journey (along with an eclectic mix of others!), and are developing me as a person.

Since I wrote about Switchfoot, he has released a second set of solo EPs, collectively titled The Wonderlands; 25(!) songs for 24 hours of the day, exploring the contrasts of light and dark in life and time. When he introduced the concept, speaking of creating a world, a planet, composed entirely out of these songs, it made sense to me; his music has built my inner world, been a place of adventure and discovery, shaped the person I am, and is, musically at the very least, where I find home. I am a Wonderlands native!

Now I’ve had time to live with the new songs and let them work on me I want to celebrate them by sharing a selection of his solo work here. I could pick pretty much any song of Jon’s and tell you stories of how it’s shaped me, but here’s a glimpse; one song per solo EP, plus two bonuses, taken from his compilation Limbs And Branches and from his second band Fiction Family*. You can listen to each track as you read; click on the title and it will open in a new tab:

1. The Cure For Pain (Fall)

We can’t shut ourselves off from pain: Prayer, and action, and change, and growth, and faith, all come through making ourselves vulnerable to it, wrestling through it. There’s no greater motivator or more authentic way to follow Jesus. I know I’ve come to this song so many times aching over the state of my life or the pain of the world, and it has led me through, allowed me both to hurt, and to admit that I do sometimes want to run, to shut the pain out, but to help me see through to recognise that Christ is found in the pain itself, and I need sometimes to walk the painful way to follow Him. To open myself up to feel the groan of creation, take it to heart, bring it to God and let God in turn move me to action.

2. Behind Your Eyes (Winter)

This sweet song is what’s driving this project. As I let this song work on me it became a real challenge to me: Breaking down the barriers that keep me from others, the things I hide, that stop people seeing who I really am inside, and becoming vulnerable, is deeply scary. But it’s what builds intimacy, and is what inspires others to become more fully themselves too. I admire open, vulnerable people who are honest about their struggles and who share the depths of their souls, and I want to become like that. I don’t want to shut people out with a false front on my life. I want to let you in.

3. Baptize My Mind (Spring)

This has to be a contender for one of the most musically lovely things he’s ever recorded 🙂 But it runs deep. I find his words, paraphrasing Jesus, playing over and over in my mind: ‘for these seeds to give birth to life, first they must die…’ It’s true in Jesus’ context, that His death has brought multitudes to life, but it’s true beyond that. So much is planted in us, the potential to transform the world and bring in God’s kingdom of restored relationships. But how much still has to die in us to allow that to happen? It’s certainly true in my own life; I’m so addicted to normality, comfort and convenience that most of the time, I feel I remain a seed. The times I let that die, die to my selfishness, are the times I find real life springing up in and around me.

4. Resurrect Me (Summer)

There’s a lot going on in this song, and I’ve found it’s taken on different meanings for me at different times over the years, but just recently it’s been resonating with me in a new way – ‘… but I’m still waking up with myself…’ A change of circumstances alone will not fix me, because I take myself with me. If the fundamental problem is not my circumstances but myself, no new job is going to fix that. Getting married didn’t fix me, neither did any of my previous jobs, moving to a new town, getting a house or anything else, so the answer will be no different this time round. I need a deeper heart change of the kind only God can bring about. The world’s resurrection begins within us.

5. Over The River (Limbs and Branches)

This is an eerie song; but at the same time it is overflowing with hope. Hope. Strong, firm hope, though it’s found only in Jesus and, so far, unseen. I attended a difficult funeral a couple of years ago, that raised so many questions and doubts for me. But I found this song stuck in my head the whole day, and the more I let the words sink in, the more I realised that all is uncertain beyond this life, even in this life, except one thing, my hope in Jesus. I don’t know what exactly happens after death, or what will happen to anyone else, but I do know that for me there is now, and always will be, Jesus. The only thing I can take with me, the only place I can hope, but the strongest hope possible; the very source of all our longings for life, and love, and a sense of home and belonging. I’ve never glimpsed it as clearly as I did that day.

6. Terminal (Sunlight)

I’ve heard so often that when someone is told they only have a short time left to live that it sharpens their focus and determination to make the most of the time they have left, to think about what they want to achieve before they die. This song is that kind of perspective shift for me– after all, I too am mortal; why should I wait till my final diagnosis to recognise this, wake up and think about how to make the most of this short time I’m given? To say we’re terminal is true from the day we’re born whether we have days or decades left. Time is counting down as our bodies slowly age, even whilst we remain healthy. One day all of us must die, and what matters is whether or not we learn to live before that day comes, or just let it slip by. I want to learn to live well whilst I have time! I find this incredibly energising when I let it sink in; it makes me want to make the most of every moment and give more of myself to the things that really matter. The other aspect of the song that’s made a difference to my outlook is its emphasis on being patient with others, recognising that we’re all the same, and all so finite. Why shouldn’t I try and help others live well and enjoy each precious moment they’re given too?

7. My Coffin / Fake Your Own Death (Shadows)

I have to group these two together as they are two halves of the same thought process for me, considering the interplay between fear, and the process of death and resurrection, both in the here-and-now and ultimately. Can I let go of myself, let what I have been die for bigger things? Am I afraid? What if I wasn’t – what would I do then? Can I let the fear die, so I can step out in faith more and more into the life maybe I was made for? Am I trying too hard to be a ‘somebody’, and missing the goal as a result? I’m finding it’s the small, daily deaths to self I am afraid of, much more so than actually giving my life for something. But continually having these songs ask me the uncomfortable questions is already moving me out of my comfort zone and raising my ambition for following Christ more self-sacrificially.

8. Inner Peace (Darkness)

I seek peace; shalom peace, relationships restored between God, and us, and the earth, and ourselves. I ache for it. But I am so mired in the mess of my soul and this world it’s hard to even begin to set the relationship right within myself, let alone work for that greater Peace. This is a song that expresses that ache, that I come back to again and again to vent the hurt, but that as with so many of Jon’s other songs leads me through to a bigger perspective: I am never going to be able to find ‘inner peace’ in my broken self; I need to be remade by the One who made me. And as with Resurrect Me, I can’t blame my insecurities on external circumstances; I will only find myself secure in my God. Only He can release that shalom peace in and through us. So; I get on with working towards what I can change, and seek to depend more and more on God for wholeness.

9. Mercy’s War (Dawn)

This song was released the day before I celebrated being alive for half my life, the sixteenth anniversary of my very first encounter with the grace of God. And the juxtaposition of these powerful words with those intense memories levelled me to the floor, left me completely undone, and put me back together again a little better than before. In so many ways this really is my story; I felt like I was at the end, felt like giving up on life, I went looking for ways out… and You showed me the Way in. Every move I’ve made against God has been met with a counter move of undeserved kindness that disarms my rebelliousness, allowing me to do my worst to Him and His ‘revenge’ is simply to bleed forgiveness. Instead of punishing me, responding with unimaginable, proactive love. Then, when I accept it and expect an easy life, He reminds me we have a battle to fight to put this world right. And every time I get it wrong, or fall away, there is that same great Love seeking me out to pull me back again. Amazing grace.

10. God Badge (Fiction Family Reunion)

There’s a story I hope to tell on this blog some day when I’ve processed it through a little more (and figured out how to tell it concisely!) involving my discovery of this song shortly after taking part in a protest that turned into an insult-flinging match, and reading about how Jon himself handled a crowd protesting one of Switchfoot’s shows. This isn’t the time for the full story. But the combination of events was a real learning experience for me as an activist. ‘There is no us or them, there’s only folks that you do or you don’t understand…’ The words, and Jon’s example, hit home, and since then I’ve been determined to work hard to make sure I begin with the common ground and work for dialogue and understanding, even when protesting something. It’s too easy to jump in with the blame, and start hurling insults, and before long both sides have shouted each other into pigeon holes that neither fit. I want to do something different, own the blame myself, but challenge both parties to work to bring change. I don’t think I’ve arrived there yet, but this is wisdom to build on.

If you like the music and want to explore some more (it’s worth it!), you can buy it and find out more here – he’s definitely an artist worth supporting! 🙂


*I imagine I may come to regret this: On the whole, though I love their music as much as anything else Jon has done, due to their different approach to lyrics, more often telling stories than soul-baring, there are many fewer Fiction Family songs that have a real, strong resonance for me personally, so I don’t, yet, see myself writing them a similar article, hence sneaking this song in here. That said… there are still a lot of important songs, and I certainly wouldn’t put it past them to make more! 🙂

2015 – An intense year

DSCN73852015 was a crazy year for me; I’ve never known a year so packed or so intense in my life! There’s been some bad-intense moments, but overwhelmingly more good-intense experiences. I’m left feeling pretty humbled by it all.

Life in general

It began particularly intense for my husband; 3 major deadlines in the first 3 weeks of the year (requiring a lot of all-nighters to finish it all), and culminating in a two week trip away from home to the USA for a conference and visit to his relatives, and a first experience of properly cold temperatures and American snow. And so the year continued from there!

We’ve been away a lot; my work has taken me away from home more than ever before, with 10 trips to London alone for meetings and climate rallies, plus visits to Bradford and Sheffield to lead workshops, a training weekend in Derbyshire, and several festivals. We went to three weddings, and our band managed to meet up eight times for performances and recording sessions, we attended a very geeky reunion weekend for our old university, and visited family in different parts of the country a few times too, during which we were introduced to three new ‘fur baby’ relatives.

And then there were the two holidays of a lifetime; the second, a trip to the incredibly beautiful Isles of Scilly with my family, and the first, following Switchfoot’s European tour and taking time during our travels to visit friends and family in London, Edinburgh, and Freiburg as well as some quality time exploring European cities together. Both adventures have left us with the most precious memories of happy times together. And we’ve seen some incredible wildlife too; cranes, storks, black woodpeckers, sunfish, dolphins, starfish, sea urchins, sea anemones, seals… amazing.

We’ve had a lot of visitors when we have been home; now we live in a nice part of the country a lot more of our friends and family have been keen to visit, and we’ve been busy giving tours of the local sights. There have been a fair few daytrips just as a household too, including some long cycle rides, hikes on the moors, a fossil hunting expedition (in which M actually found a dinosaur bone), a pirate festival, and trips to the beach. I’ve done a lot more sea swimming than usual; it usually takes a lot to get me in the sea but one day in the autumn the sea was so lovely I spent over an hour swimming!

The little time we have had at home, to ourselves, we’ve spent trying to redecorate our whole house, which has obviously not got all that far given how little time we’ve been able to give to the DIY project! But we’ve learnt to put up wallpaper, and crammed in time for a little housewarming party too once we got the worst of the DIY out the way.

So that’s what my life was like on the whole last year; this is how things panned out with my faith, politics, poetry and fandom:

Faith

Two recurring themes of this year in my relationship with God have been grace, and death as part of the resurrection process. This was a really significant year for me as it was the year I could finally celebrate having been ‘alive for half my life’. I’d been thinking about it a lot as the anniversary approached, and these lessons God has been teaching me seemed really fitting; a time to refocus on all I have been given, both in having my life saved in the first place, half my life ago, and all that I have been given since, and then to question what happens next in this process of being reborn, recreated and resurrected.

Grace has impacted me in so many ways in the past year, and I’ve encountered it from so many people as well as supremely from Godself. I’ve posted here already about the profound grace experience I encountered through my meetings with Jon Foreman whilst following Switchfoot on tour last spring, and also about a very different grace experience, which came about as the result of what felt, to me at least, a real epic fail, but which opened me up to a fresh sense of God’s love for me and my absolute dependence on that Love for strength, goodness and second chances. But I’ve also experienced a huge amount of grace from others through my failures, struggles with health and work, and my political activity; my husband has met all of this with forgiveness, love, patience and humour, and my friends, family and colleagues have been so amazingly supportive, offering prayer, sympathy and practical support over and over again, regardless of whether or not they’ve agreed with me. I feel deeply humbled by it all.

The intimate connection between death and resurrection has been on my mind a lot over the year. It began, logically enough, at Easter, as I remembered again how in Christ death itself died to bring life to us all through the resurrection. But I am a Jon Foreman fan; this past year he has seeded my thought life with so many new songs exploring life, death and resurrection, as well as the older songs that had accompanied my musings over Easter. As I spent the year looking back to the day one version of myself died and a new me came alive, and forward to the future, a day-to-day process of learning to die little by little to myself and live more fully the life I was made for to play my part in bringing in the Kingdom of God, it has been extremely powerful to share the journey with these songs. There have been some beautiful contemplative moments, experiencing God close by in still moments in festivals and out in nature. And I’ve seen more answers to prayers, big and small, than I can possibly count, everything from miraculous healings of people we’ve prayed for at church to good weather when I’ve needed it for travels and work. God is good.

Politics

Politically, this past year has been a battle, and it has taken me beyond what I’ve been able to handle – which in itself has meant depending more and more on grace, and sacrificing a little more of myself to allow more life in, but it has also stretched me to breaking point. I spend a lot of time campaigning for social justice and environmental protection, both with two of my ‘jobs’, and in my personal life, but this year has been very tough, with the election, the Paris climate summit, and the fall-out of both to deal with. It has felt like we’ve had to push extremely hard just to hold our ground, and at times it’s felt like things are heading in a backwards direction instead as poverty, inequality and xenophobia have risen, and climate change and nature protection measures have been in most cases cut, just when we need to be becoming more internationally cooperative, working more actively for peace, and pushing hard for real cuts to greenhouse gas emissions and a halt to species losses. So we’ve been working hard. And unfortunately I’ve felt extremely isolated in it all, working alone from home most of the time, and not having a good network of activist friends living nearby to rely on for help and solidarity.

For the positives – I’ve had a few different chances to speak and lead workshops this past year, including taking part in my first panel event on faith and the environment, I went on my first ever pride march, had wonderful encouraging visits to other activist groups, particularly with SPEAK, which reminded me I’m not alone and that good things are happening, and went to some really inspiring events, including Friends of the Earth’s Basecamp training weekend/ minifestival. And since it has been so hard to move things in conventional ways, I’ve turned to non-violent direct action; firstly supporting a fairly low-key prayer rally and banner drop in the Church of England synod meeting calling on the Church to disinvest from fossil fuels for the sake of those we should be showing love towards, and secondly, whitewashing and ‘rebranding’ the Department for Energy and Climate Change to expose the deadly policy changes taking place behind all the government’s talk on climate. And both went about as well as we could have hoped, and have received a lot of support. I just hope they lead to meaningful change…

Poetry

I haven’t written a lot of poetry this past year; however, I have managed to write, and actually finish, four songs, which is pretty amazing for me. It was mainly a year for the music; my band worked hard to release a new Christmas album at the end of the year, so we had a lot of band meetups and recording sessions to get it done. We also performed at two small festivals and two weddings, which was nice. In the process I have begun to learn to sing out loud, performing with a microphone, singing a duet with M, and finally recording a lead vocal! And improbably, despite our disorganisation, we did get the album out on time, and it’s quite fun!

Fandom

Wow this really has been a year of change in my life as a music fan. Although I’d largely given in to the inevitability of becoming a megafan years back, even up to the end of 2014 I was still fighting myself over it to some extent, trying to convince myself that it wasn’t an integral part of me. After spending some time fasting from all things Jon Foreman at the end of the year, it became clear to me that trying to detach myself too far from my fandom was actually unhealthy, and that I was fighting against my own self. I decided that whilst an occasional short ‘fast’ could be a good thing to stop me becoming too obsessed or unhealthily dependent, on the whole it was far better for me to give in to it completely, stop fighting myself and just become all that it can make me. And it has been an incredible ride!

As well as finding out just how much I can be changed for the better through it, I’ve also been learning what it is to really be a fan; that an artist-fan relationship is not the one-way, purely commercial process that I had previously thought it to be, but that it truly is a two-way relationship, that artists need our support in so many ways, including hearing from us personally.

So. I joined a couple of online fan forums to meet fellow fans. I took the chance to follow Switchfoot on tour around Europe back in the spring. I got tickets for five shows, plus all the buses, trains and hostels that involved to make it all possible. And I made some fan art to take along to show the band, a t-shirt and four banners, plus a couple of letters. And it worked out so incredibly, beautifully well! I made some great new friends, had some wonderful times with M and friends, and finally felt I’d made the connection with Jon and the rest of the band that I’d missed making all these years. I’m still even now getting the happiest flashbacks to it all that make my heart skip a beat or two, it’s hard to get my head around. It even spilled over a little to my relationships with other artists; if I’d been a bad fan to Switchfoot in the past I’d been a worse fan to band #2, Delirious. But last year I also finally got a message of appreciation through to the band’s Stu and Stew too, which helped heal some of those old regrets too.

And the intensity of the last year of fandom did not end when I returned home from that tour either; all last year Jon Foreman was releasing a series of EPs collectively called The Wonderlands (and ended the year by giving us a new Switchfoot song, New Year’s Day) – new music that has had, and continues to have, a lifechanging impact. For someone like me, this is more than ‘just music’; a major release like this becomes a significant life event, new songs become friends, lovers, mentors to me, guiding my walk with God and shaping who I am. I won’t go into details on individual songs here, I’ll leave that for a future post, but these songs truly make me who I am.

I was obviously a huge fan already, but by the end of the year my fan-love really was off the scale; he topped everything by celebrating the final release of The Wonderlands by performing 25 shows in 24 hours in a whole series of different weird and wonderful locations around San Diego, featuring each of the 25 songs from the project played at its appropriate hour, and all done to raise money for local disadvantaged kids. I couldn’t be there in person, but I was more than there in spirit; I stayed up the entire 24 hours, watching social media and periscope to catch as much of the event as I could and sending supportive messages and chatting to fellow fans watching from home too. Oh my heart! I don’t think I can exaggerate how beautiful the whole thing was! I’m not sure what I expected but Jon earnt my admiration hundreds of times over that day, not only keeping going but getting better as it went on, showing a lot of kindness to the fans and fellow musicians there, and having a lot of fun with it all too. There were some absolutely classic moments. It has been filmed, and trust me, if the film gets released you really do want to see it! For now, I collected a playlist of as many fan videos as I’ve been able to find.

Wow wow. Where does it go from here?!

 


 

2015 was also the year I:

  • Got a smart phone
  • Got locked out of facebook over changing my name
  • Discovered I like hazelnut lattes
  • Watched a solar eclipse
  • Tried again to join a samba band…
  • Found out how to chop down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring
  • Had my first eye test for 10 years, and found I have the beginnings of long sight
  • Became a music reviewer
  • Got my first henna tattoos
  • Discovered cheesy chart music
  • Enjoyed a stunningly beautiful autumn
  • Saw my work colleagues in a panto
  • Quit 2 jobs
  • Had a deep conversation with a random guy on a megabus journey
  • Gatecrashed a thanksgiving party

It’s been fun! 😀

October 24th

So thankful… today I have been alive for half my life, and God is good 🙂

Wide-Open Soul

Why 24th October?

Because it’s worth shouting about! Even after 15 years my ‘before’ is still raw, but it’s enough to say it involved depression, paranoia and self-hatred – but I want to tell you about 24th October if you’ll let me? I was 16 and had got to the end of myself. I thought there must be a God for me to have seen some of the stuff I’d seen, but it seemed that God didn’t care about me, didn’t see me, wasn’t bothered, and I doubted it was possible to meet God; I thought it must be a figure of speech. But I was desperate and it seemed like there being a meetable God was my only hope, and I prayed something along the lines of ‘God, if you’re real and you can hear me, I don’t care anymore if you save me or not, I…

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